Shitty City - The Big Cock

Affectionately Bangkok

Bangkok: A city with no holds barred.  No matter what ideas you have for an off-track adventure, Bangkok can deliver.  No matter how crazy you think you can get, Bangkok can handle.  This city is waiting, willing and able to fulfill your wildest desires.  No action big or small has ever been too outrageous or too outlandish for this town.  And with that being said, Bangkok is still my least favorite place of all time.

I came here twice in 2006; once to visit and once in transit.  It blew back then and it still blows now.  It's just one of those hubs you must pass through because sometimes there isn't any way of avoiding it.  But life is too short to spend kicking around in this dung-hole. Today my layover is eight hours.  Just long enough to revisit and re-appreciate how lucky I am to spend my days on greener pastures.

I would be slightly remiss if I didn't at least give a proper shout-out to Bangkok's Chinatown. It rivals any Chinatown in the world including the great Chinatowns like San Francisco's Chinatown, the Chinatown in Singapore and Sunset Park's Chinatown in Brooklyn.

Now for the great news: Bangkok offered me an opportunity to indulge in a hot, freshly-brewed cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee!  DoDo's is my bread & butter, my elixir, my fitness health club and my source of vitamins all rolled up into one beautiful wafting scent that strikes my deepest chord.  It's been six months since the last time I approached the service counter and it comes at a most opportune time for this weary traveler.  I felt the tears of joy and sentimentality welling up inside me as I perused all sixty-three varieties. So now I'm sitting and dipping and dunking and lipping and kissing and crying to the effect that all the carnage around me in this disgusting town fell away and I'm in a blueberry field among daisies and sunshine.  But sooner or later the cup runs dry and reality hits you in the face like a welter-weight jab and there you are smack dab in the middle of shitty-city where it's hotter than a witch's brew, louder than the Bronx in October and dirtier than a Cambodian street-mutt.  And it all reeks something fierce. This town is just too fucked for comfort.

Now, if you've never been to Bangkok, try it out, you might dig it.  But there are better places to be.  So at this time, for my last and final act in Thailand, I will boldly attempt to perform my favorite thing in the world: I will get out of Bangkok.  It might be a 22-hour train ride but it beats sticking around these parts.  The next stop will be Penang, an Islamic island off the west side of central Malaysia where the Indian foods are said to be the best in the world.  I will tackle this challenge and go there for an extended weekend to walk around and eat exploratory Muslim cuisine.  I hope I see you there!