Welcome to Malaysia

If you try to import drugs into Malaysia, they will put you down and they say so at the door. They do not want them in their borders and a failed attempt pretty much guarantees that you will spend the rest of your very short life in their country. I believe you get a trial but it's more of a formality than an opportunity to plead your case. Beyond this, Malaysia is a very good place to visit and play.

Penang: Boy am I glad to be here!  Almost as gung-ho as I felt on that sweaty afternoon in the Bangkok DoDo's.  It was a fifteen-hour train ride from Chiang Mai to Bangkok, a greasy eight hours in Shitty City, followed by a twenty-six hour train ride from the Big Cock to Butterworth, a ferry to Penang Island and a walk to a guesthouse since my last shower or change of clothes.  I feel like a shell of a man who has slept in and worn the same duds since Monday.  I think I'll take two showers, start a bonfire to set my clothing alight and have a nap to get my head straight before I venture off in Little India to try some of these foods I've heard so much about.

Penang's sincere desperation for a facelift and a paint job is exactly what gives this town such tremendous character, flavor and spunk.  I hope the locals continue to let it rot in peace because it's fantastic this way.  The town is a photographers' wet dream.  I'm no photographer but I enjoy taking pictures and in this town, the best approach is to follow in the footsteps of the U.S. Military; shoot everything and sort it all out later.

Built several hundred years ago by the British East India Company, Penang is a potpourri of cultures with numerous World Heritage Buildings as evidence.  Lots of Mosques and old crusty Islamic architecture make up the facade of this food paradise.  Bourdain, you should do an episode here if you haven't yet already.

As for its food culture, Penang is heroic.  Where to start? How about with the foods I am familiar with already: Tandori, Samosas, the seafoods, the curries, mutton rolls, garlic naan, raita, briyani, Nasi Goreng, satay, rotti, mushrooms, peppers, onions, longbeans, Kampung fried rice, potato masala, cumin, corriander, fennugreek, fennel seed, chutney, sambal, mint, lassies, kopi, ghee and Chai.  Now for the new stuff:  Singapore Bee Hoon, Canai Bom, Rawa Yosai, Kothu Parotta, Capati, Boli, Vadai, Nasi Lemak, Uthappam, Aloo, Bihun Soup, Fried Keoy Teow, Chana Bhatura, Idly, Fulka, Chapati and Pasembur.  There simply wasn't enough time to try it all but another visit should remedy that problem. For those of you who enjoy eating quality foods of voracious flavors at peasants' prices, I strongly recommend you make a trip to the island of Penang here in Malaysia.  But leave your drugs at home!

Shitty City - The Big Cock

Affectionately Bangkok

Bangkok: A city with no holds barred.  No matter what ideas you have for an off-track adventure, Bangkok can deliver.  No matter how crazy you think you can get, Bangkok can handle.  This city is waiting, willing and able to fulfill your wildest desires.  No action big or small has ever been too outrageous or too outlandish for this town.  And with that being said, Bangkok is still my least favorite place of all time.

I came here twice in 2006; once to visit and once in transit.  It blew back then and it still blows now.  It's just one of those hubs you must pass through because sometimes there isn't any way of avoiding it.  But life is too short to spend kicking around in this dung-hole. Today my layover is eight hours.  Just long enough to revisit and re-appreciate how lucky I am to spend my days on greener pastures.

I would be slightly remiss if I didn't at least give a proper shout-out to Bangkok's Chinatown. It rivals any Chinatown in the world including the great Chinatowns like San Francisco's Chinatown, the Chinatown in Singapore and Sunset Park's Chinatown in Brooklyn.

Now for the great news: Bangkok offered me an opportunity to indulge in a hot, freshly-brewed cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee!  DoDo's is my bread & butter, my elixir, my fitness health club and my source of vitamins all rolled up into one beautiful wafting scent that strikes my deepest chord.  It's been six months since the last time I approached the service counter and it comes at a most opportune time for this weary traveler.  I felt the tears of joy and sentimentality welling up inside me as I perused all sixty-three varieties. So now I'm sitting and dipping and dunking and lipping and kissing and crying to the effect that all the carnage around me in this disgusting town fell away and I'm in a blueberry field among daisies and sunshine.  But sooner or later the cup runs dry and reality hits you in the face like a welter-weight jab and there you are smack dab in the middle of shitty-city where it's hotter than a witch's brew, louder than the Bronx in October and dirtier than a Cambodian street-mutt.  And it all reeks something fierce. This town is just too fucked for comfort.

Now, if you've never been to Bangkok, try it out, you might dig it.  But there are better places to be.  So at this time, for my last and final act in Thailand, I will boldly attempt to perform my favorite thing in the world: I will get out of Bangkok.  It might be a 22-hour train ride but it beats sticking around these parts.  The next stop will be Penang, an Islamic island off the west side of central Malaysia where the Indian foods are said to be the best in the world.  I will tackle this challenge and go there for an extended weekend to walk around and eat exploratory Muslim cuisine.  I hope I see you there!

Chiang Mai Thailand - Est. 1296 A.D.

Foods Glorious Foods!

The nearly one-month long Thailand experience comes in two great flavors: Part One regards the Ancient City of Chiang Mai, while Part Two tells the tale of an epic journey through the Northern Hills of Thailand.

Part One: Plain Vanilla
Chiang Mai.  Since 1296 A.D.  This ancient city is a fantastic visit if you can get yourself out to this neck of the woods.  Surrounded by a moat and a delapidating wall, it is recognized around the world for its temples, monks, and foods.  Not too big and not too small but just right to keep you busy but not overwhelmed.  There are too many places to eat and hordes of things to buy.  Chiang Mai hosts a Night Market every evening with 'The Saturday Night Market' being the largest and grandest of them all if you're willing to exclude 'The Sunday Night Market' which is just plainly obscene in scale and candor. Winter weather in Chiang Mai is unbeatable and the food scene, well, my tank was always full because we're not talking about regular 'ol plain-jane ordinary foods here... we're talking Thai foods, and authentic Thai foods are arguably the best in Asia.  Chiang Mai remains one of my favorite destinations.

Part Two: Rocky Road
I met a Shaman in Chiang Mai.  He taught me how to "cleanse my karma" and to "see my soul."  He asked me if I knew how to ride a motorbike.  And he wondered if I liked adventures.  I assured him positively on all accounts.  He drew me a map, a detailed, calculated map that plots a 1000 km loop through the mountains of Northwest Thailand using Chiang Mai as base.  This map outlined everything with most sights being completely off the tourists' trail.  The loop will take five days to complete.  The challenge, should I choose to accept, offers stunning waterfalls, caves, canyons, hotsprings, archaelogical sites, hill-tribe villages, rice paddy countrysides, a boat ride to Burma, Hindu, Buddhist and Burmese temples, a trip to the highest point in Thailand, Japanese War Relics, meditation centers, geysers, hermits, National Parks, elephants, and breathtakingly beautiful scenic views along curvy mountain roads with some of the cleanest and freshest air in Asia.  I was hesitant at first but this offer was just too good, too rare, and too precise to pass up.  I decided to go for it albeit solo alone.

He was right!  And he was right on.  His calculations were accurate and correct to the T. The map looked lame and flimsy but within it were all the keys to the hidden treasures that is Northern Thailand.  These are the places the Thais don't know about.  He instructed me on the best ways to do the loop and he laid out some do's and don'ts.  I did some of the things he said to do and I did some of the things he said not to do.  And while it's too much to explain here, in the end, it was a huge success and a major highlight of my runaround thus far.  Yeah, Thailand is still a rich, exotic and mysterious land.

Lots of Laos

That's me, Way up high!!

Travel through Laos is slow, arduous, and tedious.  A four-hour bus ride will depart three hours late, regularly, without exception and without fail.

My first stop was Si Pham Don (Four-thousand Islands).  Rural and natural beauty abound in this southern corner of Laos just across the Mekong from Cambodia.  With no ATM's and very little electricity, those who seek will find excellent bicycle paths, ferocious waterfalls, river-beaches, and copious hiking trails.  This section of the Mekong River is God's gift to pleasure swimming while the sunsets over Cambodia turn epic when paired with hearty "exhales" of the islands' native ganja buds.  Let's call it 'Lao-wee Wowwee.'

Up the river from the islands is Pakse.  It took seven hours to get there, it should've taken two.  But alas, an ATM and some steady electric, Pakse itself is less than exciting; but the countryside around is lush and deserves to be explored.  The waterfalls here are immense and the multitude of coffee farms make for an ideal pick-me-up warm-me-up as you and your motorbike climb the way to the top of the chilly yet choice Bolaven Plateau.  From here, should you desire, you can take a two-day loop out to random hill villages and mountainside retreats.  If you haven't anything to do sometime, allow me to recommend it.

Following the Mekong north again, you reach Savannakhet, a lazy French colonial port town with decent sunsets over the Mekong to Thailand.  I remember feeling very well lounging back riverside with my feet up and my shades down, all the while handling a Beerlao.  Fun Fact: Beerlao is the best beer in Asia and the bottle comes in one size, LARGE.  Drinking fast helps your beer to stay cold.  Similar to Kampot in Cambodia but with less funk, I chose to make a move to Vientiane after a brief but jolly one-night pit stop.

Now if I had a dollar for every Brit who told me to "skip" Vientiane, I could travel forever without work.  They hate on Vientiane because the Communist government's mandatory midnight curfew interferes with their incessant need to get "pissed" every night.  If that's your forte, then Vientiane may not be your best cup of tea, but if you can control yourself and accept reality for five minutes, Vientiane is a lovely place to spend a little time meandering aimlessly.  It's old, quaint, laid back, and it exhibits charm.  Vientiane still retains the aura of a bygone era as if almost in a movie set atmosphere.  It's home to a plethora of French cafe's and bakeries that have made this place a hip little oasis on the banks of the Mekong.  Monks clad in deep orange robes patrol the streets as early as 5 a.m. and there are more Buddhist temples than the day is long.  It is the calmest Asian capital in the league and to "skip" it would be a forfeiture of a worthwhile traveling opportunity.